Solo Transformation

I woke up today and before I’d opened my eyes I knew I had to write, right away.  Every day my morning practice is doing some energy work on myself, breath work and meditation. Today, I felt the strong pull to write and now I know why. I learned a lot today and I wanted to share it here incase you find this useful for your own healing journey.

Since I was 15, I have been writing in a journal. I travelled the world on my own for many years and my constant companion were my journals. While I didn’t realize it at the time, when I travelled I was in a lot of emotional pain and it kept showing up all the time. I began to write about how I felt, why did I think that “such and such” was the case and what to do about it? I got curious.

This morning was one of those days and as I began to get curious about two circumstances in my life, the answers revealed themselves to me.

I will not give you all the details about the specific issues because to be honest, they would fill a book and that is not where the solution lies anyway. What I can tell you is that what I got curious about today in my writing involved two people from my past who are no longer in my life. While I am not in contact with these people, I woke up feeling a residue still within me that once I noticed still lingered, I wanted to release completely.  I began to write about the multiple unsavoury dynamics that always continued to show up in these relationships and I began to look for my part and quite honestly, what I was searching for, was my own freedom from the left over residue.

After writing for about an hour, this statement followed by these questions, followed by another statement came to me:

“I guess that is why they say, look for the lesson, look for what is in this for you”

what is this relationship doing for you?

how is this relationship serving you?

what is this relationship healing in you?

“If you can subtract those bits (answers to the above questions) then you can really honour yourself and get clear about time you’ve spent or do spend with someone, whether they are family, friend or partner”

Once those words were written on the page I kind of cringed…I was like…okay, now you have to do the work! Honestly, I LOVE doing the work and I am someone who does the deep work, it’s the only way I have become truly happy and it is the only way through the shit life brings disguised as a challenge.

The reason I cringed was because I had resistance to going to a deeper level today, but I dove in and I am SO HAPPY that I did.

When you apply the questions above to a situation you have been struggling with, you will reveal the truth and it may not be what you think.  For me, asking these questions today brought a feeling first and behind it came the memories of words spoken to me when I was a child and how those words made me feel.  From there, I was able to see clearly the dynamics of people around me, their role and mine. I experienced freedom today from past unbearable dynamics by looking for my part, what it all taught me, what the lesson was for me. I thought the answers I would get from each question would involve the other person. The opposite was true.

Regardless of someones role in my life at anytime, by answering these questions at length – I realized who I really am beyond the dynamics and beyond those relationships.

Finding healing within a relationship is not about mending the relationship so that you can all get along, suck it up or live together in quiet discomfort…that may not be the purpose of your time together in this life. What is important is that you know who you are as a Being on your own, just you and that you can love and honour yourself and be clear about that without the input of anyone else.

The questions that came to me today are not special or so unique, in fact they are quite simple but if you are willing to do the deeper work, they will bring an internal transformation just for you.  We are all in a different place with our evolution and that is why we cannot find the solution for someone else, no matter how close we may be to them or how badly we may want to try, they have to do that work for themselves.  You may live with others but ultimately you have to live with you, in your body and in your mind and finding peace in your heart is the way to true freedom and happiness.

To your solo transformation! Lara